I've made the decision to not compete.....
If you didn't read about my concerns about competing, go HERE to read it.
So along with the many other reasons I had with competing, one of them was to get control of my binge eating problem.... I thought:
maybe if I could get through this prep, then I can get through anything! I can stop binging, stop eating past the point of full/uncomfortable, get control of my eating habits and get back to the healthy lifestyle I had in the beginning!
But unfortunately it seems to have not really helped and actually has backfired... I find myself wanting to binge more than ever, and sometimes I'm not even able to control it and do end up binging..
I think I went into this competition too fast.
Lots of people PREPARE for competitions.
They've been with the healthy lifestyle for a while already, with their food and eating habits controlled, and at a good healthy lean weight, and they also prepare mentally for all of it, and I was not at any of these points.
When I decided to do this competition, I was at a point in my life that was still rocky, with my whole healthy lifestyle journey. I had been on and off the wagon, battling my binging problems, not completely in the right mindset about what I would be getting myself into. I just thought "Hey, this seems like a good thing that'll challenge me... push me past my limits" but I went in too far over my head.
I should have waited till I was already consistent and comfortable in the clean eating healthy journey, not gone in at a point where I was still dealing with those issues. I should have recovered completely from B.E.D before going into this journey, but it just triggered it all over again.
Like I said in my past post, the past few weeks have been rocky, I got back home with my family for break, and I just let loose. Today I talked with my sister about me contemplating doing this competition and brought up how I was scared about my binging coming back up, and she told me she noticed and also worried about that too, saying she saw some of my old ways emerging again, back when I binged a lot last year. She also said I am a LOT moodier/less happy than I used to be when I wasn't preparing for this competition... back when I was just doing a fit and happy lifestyle.
And I agree with her.
I felt less happy, on edge all the time, not enjoying the lifestyle, the foods, anything. My grades were also dropping, I snapped at my roommates and my family, no good no good.
These past few days with just clean healthy eating have brought me back to really enjoy the lifestyle. I've missed it. Clean ol' fun eating foods! Healthy lifestyle eating. I don't feel as unfocused, tired, moody, I feel happier, more "Josie". And it's only been a few days!
So in all, that's basically why I'm not competing this summer.
Now I know I've probably let a lot of people down, my coach, my suit sponsor, and all of you ig-ers.
And trust me, I reallly really really wanted to compete.... but in all honesty, I KNOW post comp I would have gone crazy, if I didn't already go crazy before comp... I'd be binging hardcore nonstop and that would NOT be good.... So many horror stories from competitors who can NOT control their eating after comp because they've restricted so long.... and I would just... go insane.....
Please don't see this as me GIVING UP. I am not giving up, I am listening to my body, and not putting it through something I KNOW I'll regret down the road and that will become unhealthy for me....
I'm looking out for me, my health, my sanity right now.
Down the road I hope to get full control of my eating and lifestyle, and THEN, maybe some day in the future, next year, 2 years from now, 10 years from now, I'd love to compete. Just now isn't the right time. And I'm sorry for any of you I've disappointed... but I had to do this for me.
Thanks for understanding fit fam.
So for now I hope to just inspire you all as a regular college student, trying to live the healthy life, one clean eat and workout at a time.